That’s a No and some philosophical regurg

by chelseajin

As the end of 3rd year creeps insidiously closer, there’s an overwhelming pressure to figure out exactly what you want to do the next 5 years of my life. It makes me want to have taken philosophy classes so that I could just sit down with some candles and meditate to realize what I want do–who I want to be.

Is this why medical school is traditionally so hard to get into? Because not only do you need top marks, but you have to have done all your soul searching at a tender age?

I’ve been mentally crossing things off my career list, but so far it’s been hazy. I stutter on an off with Surgery and sometimes I go back to the thought of Family Medicine even though I was so scarred by my experience I immediately swore to never go back there. A lot of attendings say that you just know when something clicks, and it’s only happened during this rotation I realize I absolutely loathe Pediatrics.
I’m not even sure what bothers me because I love that they discharge patients so quickly and kids are generally innocent. They don’t scream at you to eat your shit and lie through their teeth. But I just feel like I’m in this constant haze on the floors. And when I get out I feel like I just escaped from jail. So definitely not a good fit.

I’m also not feeling any kind of kinship with my team. Even though surgeons are generally considered assholes, I trusted and enjoyed their company a lot more. (Masichistic much?) I think I also hit the wrong chord with a classmate when I told her my first thought witnessing a c-section was not the beauty of life, but a commentary on the construct of civilization that we humans have set up and how this birth just destroyed it for me.

Time passes too fast. Rather I wish time would just pause for a weekend or something. I haven’t gotten much ahead of me before I need to actually think about who I can ask for letters of recommendation. Jesus, sometimes I’m scared of what kind of person ill be once I won’t have to prostate myself to exams and evaluations.

Advertisements