reluctance.

by chelseajin

I’m at the point where I don’t want to update anymore because it emphasizes the passing of time. I have just 2 weeks until I go back to New York– where the chance of me coming back to Tucson for an extended length of time is incredibly small.

I just thought about this all night last night and got too depressed that I fell asleep in the middle of The Americans at around 8. Of course that meant I got up freakishly early around 5:30 the next day and just did the same thing until I left for the bus.

Is this what people do on the march to the gallows? Every step is something done and can’t be taken back and even though it’s impossible, you almost feel like not moving at all will freeze time. I can see Betty’s there as I pass by her beloved Volvo and I just sort of sit in the office for a bit, then decide I should probably go and say hi so we can start the day. She’s just taking care of some stuff and we talk for a bit but I’m not really up for it.

For the past week, everyone in the clinic has been saying they’ll be sorry to see me go. Maybe partially because there’s nothing else to talk about for the moment but it’s just such a sensory overload for me. Usually I just go from place to place without a care in the world but now I’m faced with this looming end. Thanks guys.

I basically say this to Betty, and it makes me want to stay because now I know what I’m doing and can actually help them and I really feel like I’m helping people. She gets it and tries to tell me not to feel too bad.

When I spent last Sunday with her and her husband, he was giving her shit about something she had said about Albert Einstein saying that the past, present, and future being experienced simultaneously. I took it was too literally and was thinking about quantum mechanics. She brought it up again, meaning that as we live our day-to-day lives, we’re using our past experiences and memories to make new decisions.

Sigh. She’s being really nice, not piling on the ‘sad to see you go’ ‘you’ll come back, right?’.

I know myself already– I just dwell on things and get more and more into myself. Classic over-thinking. I know there’s really no point in lingering any longer, I need to finish my degree and get all of that stuff figured out before I just follow other people around will nilly. Damn these emotional connections.

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